alright, a quick posting before i hit the books.
last night i didn't hit the bed until 3:30. time flew by after midnight with mindlFUL wanderings in the web world with my endless questions like.. hm, what vaccuum cleaner should i get? i wonder who's having a sale... what's the weather like tomorrow here? what's the weather like in hawaii? bad me.

miraculously, i did wake up for my 8am lab session. but the whole day was painful. all i could think of during class and out of class was, where can i go to take a nap? 5 and 10 minutes of dozings here and there, i was struggling to make up the lost sleep.

after i picked up my car in the afternoon, i decided to just head straight to the gym since i would otherwise fall asleep whereever i decide to settle down to study. i had been wearing my glasse to please the weary eyes and for the first time i walked in to work out with four eyes. and boy, did i feel like a dork. you know those days when you wish to be invisible? i was having one of those. i just wanted to get on a treadmill, run 'til i'm exhausted (which should take too long) and leave. of course, i completely forgot about murphy's law #98: you shall meet your crush when you look and feel the ugliest. yes, my EX-crush walks in and of the 9 treadmills, he picks #4, right next to me. "alright, amy, we're gonna race."

fyi, i do not race. and even if i did, i would never race a man whose more than a foot taller than me. i think i come up to his armpit...?

did i mention that i was wearing my glasses? yeah, so i found out that it's not easy running with those on. so i took them off. i was squinting my eyes to read the numbers on the treadmill... squinting to see if it was bush or kerry on tv... and it's not easy for me to talk when i'm running. i'm out of breath and my mind is too focused on how much longer i can last. and his chitchats really don't help.

so basically, it's the perfect opportunity to lose your crush. "sorry, i can't talk.. i'm losing my breath."

good think i got over him last weekend. otherwise, i would've been heart-broken and with tears flowing down my cheeks as i type this to you. but because i have moved on, i'm typing at home, content from dinner, still wearing my glasses. happy wednesday everyone!

all day yesterday my mind was in knots trying to expect the worst with my car that was sick. i remained silent most of the day, eyes glazed over a thick packet of notes but nothing really registering.

and 24 hours later, i got a call and found out that the car will be fixed for free. out of good will from someone very unexpected.

my response to such surprise other than thankfulness?
humility.

i would have whined a little less, frowned a little less, sighed one less time... if i had known.

no, i'll rephrase.
i would have whined a little less, frowned a little less, sighed one less time... if i had trusted.
and i'm humbled today.

the whole day's been a mumble jumble of trips to a car service center, long drives on highways where i kept catching myself waking up(!) and making quick turns, barely making it to a class i signed up for, more calls to a local dealership ... my head hurts.

and after reading this by accident, my stomach hurts. i think i'm going to barf throw up.

:(

really with all kidding aside, i'm sick to my stomach.

remember the millipede story long time ago? yeah, the one that i courageously fought against with only a roll of newspaper in hand and killed mercilessly. yeah, the same one that gave me days of nightmares with its million legs that fell out and did a little dance on their own.

well, i saw another one about ten minutes ago. i just can't tell you where it went. having million legs can sure make one speedy.

i'll be sleeping with a bottle of Raid next to me tonight.

from hopping back and forth between two churches, to looking back at how i crush guys who, realistically speaking, are not attainable, like hollywood starts, married people, ex-football players who can't talk more than five minutes without the word 'football,' and seeing how i easily avoid opening up to people i should start trusting by now, i came to a big understanding that was very difficult to accept : i have a commitment issue. sorta.... just a little more than the norm.

with all kidding aside, i'm having a heck of a time trying to work against this problem of mine that stems from fear, i believe. facing my own fear and working against it is torturous to my mind. i'll be needing extra help tomorrow.

The day began with a vase of roses in the bathroom, beautifully arranged by my roommate who had to get up at 5am for her rotations. (picture me this morning, "i'm late i'm late!" to "where's my camera where's my camera!" to finally, "shoot, where are my glasses??") then, a prayer meeting and a person that I didn't think would know my birthday sharing a prayer of blessing with a few others. classmates I didn't think would care giving me cards and hugs inbetween classes. (and somewhere along the way i met Patch Adams who turns out to be very different from Mr. Robin Williams)

Then a whole lot of people, including many that i thought had a football game to play in a team, surprising me at dinner. (with a nice touch of my fortune cookie, yea yea yeah, people rolled their eyes too:P). got serenaded by the boys who can sing, hours of karaoke at a close friend's house... ended the night singing this(remember middle school, kids?)from top of our lungs with arms and hands linked. (shh..i think hours of singing kinda took control and induced this very strange expression of ...affection among us. we swore to keep this to ourselves, except for my blog that no one, i believe, knows about.) best part of it is, guys who love to get drunk on birthdays limited themselves to a glass of margarita and stayed sober. (but still had fun. see, it's possible! :)

who knew friendships would blossom in grad school? not me.
(s and me - my first friend at school. we both like coffee very much. we both thought classes started at 8 on the first day of school instead of 9.)
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quarter of a century. doesn't that sound significant? i imagined that the elements and forces of nature will now acknowledge my existence with more respect, but after having lived a day as a 25 year old, i was disappointed. traffic lights still turn red at my approach and elevators still close their doors on me. :P

this year is different though. i, the one who usually prefers a low-key birthday celebration with family and a few close friends, actually wanted to be blessed and be with many people tonight...whether closeby or distant...how God provides to the minute details. am i turning more selfish? maybe at a first glance. but the more i thought about it, the more i was sure that i'm simple appreciating people in my life more than before. we aren't meant to be alone in this world.

although i still wanted that traffic light to stay green, i'm very happy to have turned 25. we'll see how i feel about turning 26 next year ;)
tomorrow, i'll resume my status as a med student.
maybe after lunch.

___________

excerpt from a beautiful song by Nicole Nordeman

I am

Pencil marks on a wall, I wasn’t always this tall
You scattered some monsters from beneath my bed.
You watched my team win, and watched my team lose
Watches when my bicycle went down again.

When I was weak, unable to speak, still I could call you by name
And I said Elbow Healer, Super Hero, come if you can.
You said, I am.

Only sixteen, life is so mean
What kind of curfew’s at 10 pm?
You saw my mistakes and watched my heart break
Heard when I said I’d never love again

When I was weak, unable to speak, still I could call you by name
And I said Heartache Healer, Secret keeper, be my best Friend
You said, I am.

You saw me wear white by pale candle light
I said ‘forever’ to what lies ahead
Two kids and a dream, with kids that can scream
Too much it might seem when it is at 2 am.

When I am weak, unable to speak, still I will call you by name
Oh, Shepard, Savior, Pasture Maker, Hold on to my hand.
You say, I am.

The winds of change and circumstance
Blow in and all around us
So we find a foothold that’s familiar.
And bless the moments that we feel you nearer.

When life had begun, I was woven and spun
You let the angels dance around the throne.
Who can say when, but they’ll dance again
When I am free and finally headed home

I will be weak, unable to speak
Still I will call you by name
Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer
Comforter, Healer, My Redeemer
Lord and King, Beginning and End
I am. I am.

Thank you for this life.

wow, i haven't slept in like this in years. at least not from my recollection. even on weekends during summer, i'm out of bed at the latest 9:30 or 10.
am i getting old or is my bed turning more comfortable?

if you haven't tried soy milk already, i highly recommend it. i'm in love with soy milk. i think of it night and day, like how i used to with an old quaker oat's cereal last sememeter. i used to look forward to going to sleep knowing i can have a bowl of my cereal when i wake up. sad but true. but it's all a distant memeory as i moved on to kellog's raisin bran.

anyways, i forgot why i'm writing right now. oh yeah.. so i have a good night's rest. have a wonderful... tuesday!

aaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhh...

okay back to whatever i was doing.

______
i just realized that i dissed a pastor's email thinking it was a mass email to all new comers. (no, it's not you.) i feel very bad about this. maybe i'll say that i don't check my email that often. then again, that would be lying to a pastor, which sounds worse than now. oh gee..

this day calls for another bowl of cold cereal. bye bye

so my throat feels a little itchy.

and i have to blow my nose here and then.

two words:

uh oh.
(or is it uh-oh?)

yesterday i checked my grade from the last test i took and felt pretty bummed. i sat down in a cubicle and glazed over my books for about half an hour, feeling miserable and dumb, closed them, packed my bag and joined a kickboxing class at the gym.

it was the best thing i did for myself all day.

who knew those little jabs and hooks can be so therapeutic? i imagined a big face filled with bacteria (the subject i was tested on) and viruses (which i'll be tested on in 72 hrs) and gave all my might in every punch and kicks.

anyways, my crush left the library just now so i think i'll be leaving too. (man, do i sound like a guy? oh no! i'm turning into a guy!) actually this library is closing in an hour so i must transition to another cozy place. hope y'all have a good weekend!

_________
"This is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it." psalm 118

i want korean food badly right now.
oh dear, here we go again...

maybe i really should move up north next year :T

________
sometime last week, i asked for a crush who exists not just on tv screen but in real life. and what do you know, i have a major crush on someone i know! my heart skipped a beat when i saw him walking into the library today. understandably, my efficiency in reading my syllabus dropped by half as he sat diagonally from my seat. awww... allow me to go back to high school. oh wait, i didn't have crushes in high school. allow me to go back to middle school. fun fun fun.

secrets are so hard to keep. i almost had to put tape over my mouth around my girlfriends. so, sshhhhh!

i still don't get micro, so i think i'm just going to sleep.
_________

i bet she wants you to smile right now. so smile and stay away from the rain!

still awake. yet to study. maybe i won't.

kinda got caught in a train of thoughts about heaven. it's healthy to think about death sometimes. because it reflects back to one's view on life. thoughts about death, curiosities and faith about what comes afterwards-- they all shake up the little world of ours and lay out the priorities. from such point of view, many hopes and dreams and worries that occupy my mind appear microscopic. even meaningless. try it. i recommend it. afterall, death applies to everyone who reads this, right?

g'night.

i had a blast today. school was so distant from my mind and the rest of us who drove about an hour away from the city. jet skiing, tubing, boating, playing cranium, eating endlessly....

:D

time to hit those books now.

this is how i started off... like little girls playing in the pool with friends:) one of us is actually 20 yrs younger than the rest ;

a little boat ride in a big lake.

a wall filled with windows (the top tier not shown) with a view of a lake. nice.

j about to get splashed =)

something about studying together... it's just not my cup of tea.
*yawn*

no one's here and i'm not scared. :)

[edit: my whining withdrawn after a satisfying dinner most possibily loaded with msg.]

i think i'm gonna go leave my books here in this cubicle and eat some chinese food with friends. if caffeine fails, then msg should help. (... be quiet...)

i'm putting lots of hopes for this weekend.

i have power!

you may interpret this anyway you want. just saying i have power! :)


i'm slacking off big time. i didn't study at all today. instead i took a nap. i didn't end up working out as i planned. instead, i ate left over pizza from CPK AND half a bowl of ramen.

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a simple phone call from people you usually don't expect to hear from can do a lot to friendship. i'm beginning to appreciate more people i didn't know were part of my life.